Sep 28, 2011

Finding True Love - with Neuroscience!

Today I'm delighted to interview Mary Britton on co-writing with Kerene Strotchnetter Cause Love - a new and surprising way of using neuroscience to find true love.

Hi Mary and welcome to the Lovecats. Firstly, I have to ask – neuroscience to find love? Are you serious? How does neuroscience fit in with finding love?
Thank you Zana, it’s lovely to be here: )
Aha! Neuroscience meets ancient wisdom! “You get what you ask for” is an old idea which is now provable. Neuroscience calls it ”priming” – when you put your attention on, for example, the colour blue; blue will appear before your very eyes.
Think “delightful, available partner material people” and they will show up. I promise…

That sounds a bit too easy. Can you explain it a little more? Is it similar to “The Secret” which was so popular a few years ago?
Yes and no : ) Change is not an easy undertaking and, with the most helpful tools, your commitment and lots of practice – you CAN do it!
You have habits- things you do on auto pilot. Most of us don’t think too much about what we are doing. For example, when we drive our cars, a lot of it is automatic.
You also have habits of thinking – without your conscious awareness. For example you may have decided (long ago) that bald men are…. ( you fill in the blank). So now every time you see a bald man you already know he is….

Does this apply to feelings too?
Yes, habits of feeling – an unconscious emotional response – which seems to just happen (because it is unconscious). These feeling states feel so familiar that we think of them as “normal”. Neuroscientists offer evidence that we are addicted to some of these emotional states. Anger, for example. Just like an addict with a cigarette, we unconsciously reach towards anger as out habitual response.
And when you learn how to become aware of your own thoughts, beliefs and feelings you have an option – you can begin to choose different thoughts, beliefs and feelings.

Okay, so it has a scientific/psychological basis but how do you know that it works?
Both Kerene and I have worked with many clients over a number of years, some of their stories are in the book. When you use these simple tools, you start to take new actions and you will get new results. (It may not happen overnight, but it will happen!)

Given that this book is all about change and developing your potential, is it useful for those of us who are in happy relationships?
Absolutely! The methodology works for any area you’d like to change in your life. Career, wealth planning, big goals and ambitions, you name it, these methods will allow you to develop new ways of thinking which will bring you new results.

You and Kerene are offering an online programme, can you tell us about that?
The on line programme recognises that some people are looking for much more feedback than they will get from a book so this way they can get individual feedback from a coach - currently myself and Kerene – and be supported in their actions over an agreed timeframe. For some, it’s the next big step in their journey towards happy relationship.

Why did you and Kerene decide to self-publish?
We wanted to offer the book as a giveaway to workshop participants and on line programme clients. We wanted to find ways of staying connected with our readers – who we think of as if they were each a client in our coaching practice.

Your book has only been out a few months – what’s been the reaction so far?
People love it!
One reader has ordered a copy for every member of her extended family! Another has thanked us for providing a house guest with the thinking and energy they needed to move out and start a new life in Australia! Many people around the world are now working their way through the actions and we are excited to be getting feedback about how they are doing.

Thank you for sharing these ideas with us.

I’m sure there must be more questions out there. Please fire away, Mary is here to respond to questions or comments and there are 2 free giveaways of Cause Love. I too, will be offering 2 free copies of the Australian edition of my new Superromance A Risk Worth Taking. It’s a two-in-one deal with Abby Gaines fabulous Her Best Friend’s Wedding.


  1. ooh i loved,loved,loved this post. It's been enlightening and so very interesting.

  2. Ooh, this book sounds fabulous. One of my favourite books at the moment is "A General Theory of Love" (Lewis, Amini & Lannon). It quotes Pascal's 'The heart has it's reason whereof Reason knows nothing.'

    Mary, is "Cause Love" available at Amazon or The Book Depository?

  3. Hi Michelle, It is available on line at and at Unity books and Pinnacle books in Wellington, NZ and Women's bookshop in Auckland, NZ. I am working on getting it into book Depository : ) Mary

  4. What a fascinating topic. Thanks Zana for bringing it to the LoveCats.

    Is this a from of NLP? Or Cognitive behavourial therapy? All sound like hard work but worth it in the end.

    Mary congratulations on releasing your book.

  5. Thank you Eleni : )The thinking within the book is informed by NLP. Untangling old habits of thinking which aren't helping is quite hard work!And , as you say, worth it in the end . Thanks again, Mary

  6. This sounds like a really interesting book -- especially for a singleton like me! :D. Thanks Zana and Mary for the interview!

  7. This is just fascinating. I know what you mean about thinking blue & that is what you will see - I get the concept.

  8. What an interesting post. Thanks Mary for telling us about your book. I think I need it!

    But my question is, will we be able to change all our preconceived thoughts and ideas?

    Thank you Zana for this interview with Mary!
    You ask some very good questions, ;)

  9. Wow, fascinating post. Thanks, Mary and Zana!

  10. I liked this post. Somewhere I was reading about short men getting short changed when they sign up for online dating sites. The heading of the article was you could be missing out on a great guy just because he is shorter than you. I think this is an example of what you are talking about.

  11. Zana says
    Have been having problems posting tonight but it's good to see the comments coming in.
    I really enjoyed reading "Cause Love" which made me re-evaluate the way I make decisions and react in all spheres of life. Now I'm really getting into CBT and NLP :)

  12. Hi Nas, Will you be able to change your preconceived thoughts and ideas ?
    All your habits ( of action and of thinking ) were invented ( by you ) because they were useful to you . The new questions to ask yourself are " does that habit still work for me ? Is it getting me what I want ?" If it still works- keep it! And if it no longer works, it could be time to invent a new habit of thinking or action : )

  13. Hi Mary,

    I totally agree with you - any time I'm feeling negative, I can guarantee more negative stuff will hit me on the nose *g*

  14. I'm late, I'm late! But this is such a great post that I'm glad I stopped by to read! It reminds we of when we did horsemanship with an instructor who'd trained with Pat Parelli - one of his sayings was "if you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got" - so you have to change the way you behave to change the results! Which is exactly what you're saying isn't it - change those bad habits that have got us tied into results we don't want.

    I'm off to check out your website!

    Thanks Zana and Mary!