Jun 26, 2017

Nostalgia Is A Bitch

When I was a kid we lived for six years in a small Queensland town about 300 kms west of Rockhampton, where I was born. We had a lot of family in Rocky though and we visited often - sometimes by car, sometimes by train because my dad was a railway man and one of the perks was cheap train travel.

When we drove - and remember, this was back in the days before we had aircon in cars let alone DVD players in the backs of seats or iPads!! -  my mother would host sing-a-longs. Its the reason why I know every WW2 song in existence - I can belt out Pack Up Your Troubles, The White Cliffs of Dover and It's A Long Way to Tipperary as if it was yesterday. In the back of that sweltering Kingswood she also taught us Waltzing Matilda, Click Go The Shears and ALL the versus of Two Little Boys. My mother had 4 children in a car that should legally (by today's standards) only have sat 3 and did I mention no aircon??? so she had a job to keep us all amused when the grand adventure soon turned to "he's touching me" and "she had the window seat last time!"
 
There were two markers we always looked out for on that trip. The water tower in Blackwater - we'd all compete for who was the first to see it towering in the shimmering distant haze - and Mt Archer which is the mountain that stands sentinel over Rockhampton.

I realise now, looking back, how quiet my mother would become as soon as she said, "Look kids, Mt Archer." At the time, some part of me recognised it too, that stillness. I would see it come over her profile from my seat in the back but I didn't understand it for what is was. Not like I do now. Even without her being around for me to ask, I know my mother was swamped with the same kind of gut wrenching nostalgia that grips me when I return to my hometown and know she's not going to be there to greet me.

My mother grew up in Rocky and lost her mother at the age of 14 (after losing her 18 year old sister two years prior). I can't even begin to imagine the overwhelming grief of that. I lost my mother at the age of 41 and it was, and still is almost 6 years later, the most devastating thing I've ever experienced.  I've driven home so many times over the years with a sense of peace and homecoming but its different since my Mum died. As soon as I see Mt Archer, I am struck with the deepest sadness, like my heart is being pulled from my chest all over again, knowing that when I get out at that end of that journey she wont be there smiling her funny downturned smile which I inherited, a fridge full of the grandkids (and my) favourite food and her soft hands with the skin that crinkled over her knuckles.

The Cold Chisel song, Flame Trees, plays on repeat through my head as Mt Archer suddenly looms ahead -

"We share some history, this town and I
And I can't stop that long forgotten feeling of her".

"There's no change, there's no pace
Everything within its place
Just makes it harder to believe that she won't be around."

I stopped thinking about my Mum every single day a few years back but for long agonising moments as I roll in past Yeppen crossing, I am as gutted and lost as the day I kissed her goodbye forever.


Yeppen Crossing

Which all leads me to, nostalgia is a bitch ..... 😒

What gets you nostaligic?





16 comments:

  1. What a beautiful post Amy I have a lot of tears at the moment and for me there are so many things that make me feel this way a song a smell even when I am reading a good book that I know my Mum would have loved can make me feel this way, but I know that even though she has been gone for 15 years she will always be with me hugs :)

    Have Fun
    Helen

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  2. Oh, Amy, I know just what you mean. The thing is I can never pinpoint in advance what's going to make me nostalgic. Last year my husband and I set aside a couple of hours to go up the Eiffel Tower (it took that long) and when I was on the viewing platform I just had to take photos of the rivets on the metal work, thinking how my father would be interested in that (from his days in a very old engine room on a very old ship). But sadly he's not longer around to see my photos, though I like to think maybe he's not so far away.

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    1. Oh yes, Annie! How often I fleetingly think I must tell mum that or I'll keep that and show Mum and then reality intrudes...
      I think if you're thinking of your Dad at the Eiffel tower, he must be very close x

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  3. Oh Amy. You made me cry. Yes, thinking about lost loved ones is really tough. As you know, my sister died when she was just 32. My life has never been the same - always now tinged with grey when before the world was full of beautiful bright, vibrate colours. Unfortunately the price of great love can be great pain. But better to have had that love, even for a short time.

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    1. Oh Jen, I know you and I have talked about this before. That old saying, love hurts, is deeply wise.

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  4. Gorgeous post, Amy. You obviously had a wonderful relationship with your mother...and I can feel how much you miss her in every word of this post. But what gorgeous memories you have to treasure.

    Nostalgia? I'm a bit like Annie -- it often hits me out of the blue when I'm not expecting it. And sometimes a smell will grab me and fling me back to a time I'd thought I'd forgotten. It can definitely be bitter sweet.

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    1. Bitter sweet is a perfect descriptor, Michelle!

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  5. Yeah, Amy, it's a bitch but also I think it's necessary to keep those emotions running. They're part of our make up, our history, our love, us. Your post made me tear up, as I do when I get caught out by a scent or sound that reminds me of my mum or a flower that my dad might've grown back when he had his commercial gardens. The pain that goes with those tears is a bitch, but at least we knew the love behind them.

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  6. Yes, indeed, Sue. That's very true.

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  7. I never know what's going to trigger nostalgia with me... although this post did trigger an element of nostalgia for spending time with my Mum. It was a bit bittersweet to read as I'm only a couple of years away from having lived for as long without Mum as I experienced with her alive.
    Ultimately, the key thing with nostalgia is that when it's sad nostalgia it kicks my butt, however other times it can be happy nostalgia if that makes any sense what so ever.

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    1. Absolutely Lyn! Some memories make me smile so big every time :-)

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  8. Well, Amy, this post about pulled my heart out of my chest. So. Much. Emotion. But along with the pain comes the memories of the best mum-daughter moments, the smiles, the laughs, the sharing.

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  9. It's amazing how something can trigger a wonderful memory. My mom was my best friend, and I have her jewelry box. Every time I open it the cedar scent just brings me back to when I was younger and played with her jewelry. Lavender reminds me of my Grandmother and spending vacations as a kid with her, and pipe tobacco and peppermint Tums send me right back to my grandfather. Old Spice cologne is my dad and butterscotch candies trigger memories of my great aunt and great grandmother, who had a milk glass chicken on a nest that was always filled with candy. The memories are still strong, even though the last person to pass away did so 11 years ago.

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  10. Oh how visual that was Laurie! And so visceral xxx

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